Published May 12, 2005
I feel so...teenagerish. So very very teenagerish. Urgh. I hate it when i feel like that. But, here it is. Pissed off, feeling like crap, driving away from my overreactive father and his cruel words...
Lowway
Ancient trails of brush free anger
Line his face like an old glove
That has been resurrected from the basement.
Soft and familiar, with the tingling fear
Of eight legged retribution within.
Rolling thunder suicide booth
Roars to life with a twist of my wrist,
Hurtling on, too fast for guardian angels.
Too weak, too soft, too tired,
Too mepoorpitifulme
To tolerate in the acid soft hail.
Thick and heady, claustrophobic rain
Through a sea of broken bad decisions
Falling from heaven instead of pennies.
I love you, remember,
When I’m gone and my hair
Grows into green grass over my grave,
Remember that I hate you,
When the night howls long,
And the stars only burn.
Silent silver strings trip along,
Pulling the rotting mannequin away,
Following the blood lines that lead us,
Into tomorrow.
One more chance at redemption,
Once more to sing myself of yesterday
Amid the last week’s mental debris.
If I turn my umbrella upside down,
And catch the frozen riddles,
Will they melt into heaven’s change?
Or will I be left with a makeshift bucket
To hold the slippery water sanity
After it slides through my fingers again?
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Thanks for the nice reviews, I made some changes, but some things I left. The imagery with the pennies from heaven is becausde that'sthe song that was on my radio when I waswriting this. ALso,things like the hair turning into grass over my grave, and the singing of myself are allusions to Uncle Walt, oneof my favorite poets. Go Whitman! Oh,and to another earlier comment, in the first stanza, look at the punctuation. the 'tingling fear' is attached to 'eggedlegged retrebution' not'soft and familiar'. And sorry for the spacing, damn broken space bar.
This was pretty good. Here's some crit.
Lowway
Ancient trails of brush free anger ....(Not the best beginning, but good)
Line his face like an old glove (nice)
That has been resurrected from the basement. (I don't think you needed this line)
Soft and familiar, with the tingling fear (tingling fear? I don't see how a glove brings tingling fear, but I like your first two adjectives)
Of eight legged retribution within. (cool)
Rolling thunder suicide booth (hm...interesting)
Roars to life with a twist of my wrist, (Pretty good, I guess)
Hurtling on, too fast for guardian angels. (This part was good)
Too weak, too soft, too tired,
Too mepoorpitifulme (*smiles* nice)
To tolerate in the acid soft hail. (I liked 'acid soft hail')
Thick and heady, claustrophobic rain (love your description)
Through a sea of broken bad decisions (I love that line)
Falling from heaven instead of pennies. (Um, that's okay, I guess. I suggest you use a different line. That one feels a little awkward)
I love you, remember, (A nice turn from the 'think about suicide' part)
When I’m and gone and my hair
Grows into green grass over my grave, (A disturbing image, but not bad)
Remember that I hateyou, (Interesting contrast to the firstl ine)
When the night howls long, (great!)
And the stars only burn. ('only burn'? What do you mean there? That they do more than that? If so, say what they usually do)
Silent silver strings trip along, (trip'?)
Pulling the rotting mannequin away, (interesting)
Following the blood lines that lead us,
Into tomorrow. (good two last lines)
One more chance at redemption,
Once more to sing myself of yesterday
Amid the last week’s mental trash. (Good. I suggest you use a better word than 'mental trash', but this stanza was very good)
If I turn my umbrella upside down,
And catch the frozen riddles,
Will they melt into heaven’s change? (interesting though confusing)
Or will I be left with a makeshift bucket
To hold the slippery water sanity
After it slides through my fingers again? (I LOVED your last stanza there!)
This was very good. There were a few words that I didn't like, but this was overall very good. I think you might be able to shorten it a little because sometimes length can confuse people as well analogies. Good job!
here's my present to you...a proper crit.
CL
i liked it and it'sok to feel teenagerish i do every day LOL